


Little White Lights

by caisha



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But we're gonna fix it, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fix-It, Happily Ever After, Inspired by PS I love you, Romance, TROS is canon minus Tatooine ending, Tros fix-it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:53:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22302919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caisha/pseuds/caisha
Summary: A week after Exegol, Rey receives a letter.Inspired by P.S. I love you.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 17
Kudos: 53





	Little White Lights

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Ohtze and ElegyGoldsmith for helping me with the edits for this chapter.
> 
> I hope I do this story justice.

It had been raining for five straight days since her return, which suited Rey just fine. She didn't want to be outside with their makeshift camp surrounded by bright green trees. She was right where she needed to be, with her hands repairing a ship that had become her home. One that had been nearly destroyed in a fight.  _ The  _ fight.

Her eyes closed tight at the thought and she shook her head, hands shaking slightly as she raised the wrench, tightening a hatch door. She was wedged into a small room in the hull of the ship, far away from the main level, surrounded by various machinery that held no real practical use, but Rey fixed it anyway.

"Rey!" Finn's voice filtered down to her and she cursed. She had managed to stay hidden for most of the day - most days, really. That’s why she was all the way down here, hidden deep within the Millennium Falcon. No one took the hint exactly, everyone was just too  _ busy  _ to come find her _.  _ Busy making plans to fix the galaxy or whatever their goal was, she hadn’t paid much attention even before the fight on Exegol with Palpatine.

Rey never paid much attention when Poe spoke, but especially not after what had happened there. She was content to be on the sidelines for this as she had never really wanted to be front and center with anything. She turned around in the tight shaft, moving to the next hatch door to smooth down; these were great smuggler’s holds mainly because no one could ever reach it to search, but she was absolutely certain Han never used it. 

"Rey," his voice was closer, at the top of the shaft she was working in. He sounded excited and she took a deep breath, steeling herself for the first conversation in two days.

"What's going on?" Her voice was sharper than she intended, but she didn't have it in her to make small talk - casual conversation - and she was grateful she couldn't look at him until her job was done because the shaft curved away from the opening.

Maybe he wouldn't notice the way her lips quivered as she forced them to curve into a smile. No one else had yet.

"Plan is set - we're headed to Coruscant tomorrow!  _ Coruscant,  _ Rey!"

His excitement made her chest clutch; his eagerness for new things was a sharp reminder of how much had changed. She didn't want that, not right now - the sheer amount of  _ people  _ on a city-planet like Coruscant made her nauseous _.  _ Her senses had been sharpened with her developing Force ability and they overwhelmed her even in a small place like their camp. It was no wonder that Ben-

She blanked out the thought immediately and shouted up at Finn, "That's great - ship should be ready by then."

"Need help?"

Rey snorted despite herself as she ripped open a door, slathering it with corrosive to eat away the rust that had accumulated over decades. Finn was about as helpful on a ship as Poe was with diplomacy; he had tried to help Rose once with an engineering project when they arrived right after Crait. 

They don’t let Finn help with metal things anymore unless they’re weapons.

"No, faster if I'm alone."  _ Leave me alone,  _ she silently pleaded, even though it hurt her to think it. Finn had been her first friend - steadfast and true - but she couldn't stand being near anyone right now.

She hadn’t even told them what had happened during that final battle, no one had asked since Maz had informed them Palpatine was gone. They all assumed that Supreme Leader Kylo Ren had fallen during the battle between Palpatine's forces and their own, but Rey knew better and kept silent.

The wrench slipped from her hand as she froze, locked in the memory of that moment - the one moment. Seconds, really.

No, she couldn't be around them right now and especially not in a place like Coruscant. Their joy was hard to swallow in the face of her grief.

They didn't even notice how she spent every evening in the corner of the camp, staring into the forest at the hidden path she had run so many times before. With Leia. His mother.

Another loss, but this one they at least mourned and allowed Rey to do so openly.

But not Kylo - not Ben Solo, she would never be allowed to mourn him except in private.

* * *

Hours passed before Rey finally crawled back up the small shaft, hatches ready for whatever she might need them for if ever really. Finn had long since left her to her own devices, or perhaps he had other meetings to get to with Poe, Rey wasn’t really paying attention.

The Falcon was quiet and after hours of being squished into a tiny hole in the bottom of the ship, she stepped down the ramp onto the damp forest floor. She would never get over the smell of wet dirt, or wet anything really.

She heard the horn blaring its mournful tune once again, same time every day for the past week, and Rey seized up. It was part of the mourning ritual of the Alderaanian people, apparently, mourning for days after the passing, trumpeted by a slow song that vibrated in her body.

Ben would never have this, never receive any type of funeral or end. She was the only one who would ever mourn him.

At that thought she took off into the forest, clothes already drenched from the downpour, grateful that the Falcon was on the edge of the camp where no one would see her disappear into the trees.

She ran until she could hardly breathe for the piercing pain in her chest. She knew where she was, the Force guiding her where she wanted to go even though she would never admit it to herself.

Stumbling towards a large tree she collapsed to her knees, fingers sinking into the mud landing immediately on something soft. Leather, wrapped around something precious, something she couldn't bear to look at when she returned, immediately burying it far away from her quarters.

She fell backwards, sitting on the ground as the rain pelted her with cold drops of water. Rey didn't care. They reminded her of him. She pulled on the leather until the silver cylinder revealed itself and she pressed her hand against it, hoping for  _ something,  _ but the Force had been empty for days.

Since he had left her.

He had fought her for this once, yet another thing that haunted him with his family's legacy. Broken and repaired, it was just as much hers now as his. That moment they connected on Exegol burned bright in her mind as she sat there holding his family’s lightsaber. She had almost been forced to make that awful choice - submit to the Sith or watch everyone she loved die; but then he was there, a blinding light, free and open and looking at her with such  _ wonder.  _

Without hesitation she had given him the weapon that linked them both as she had with Snoke’s guards, giving him the ability to get to her.

To  _ her,  _ because he was there for  _ her -  _ the surety flared in her as she had felt his emotions, for once in tune with what he needed.

He had never wanted her to be alone on Exegol with Palpatine, not without him - they were always meant to be here side by side, weren’t they? He had known this and pushed for it even before her confession.

Rey’s hands twisted around the weapon, eyes closing, trying to imagine what it would feel like to have Ben’s hand wrapped around hers. So much time had been wasted between the two of them, both unable to waver from the side they felt was right, both unable to admit the underlying current of an unnamed emotion that accompanied the anger and fighting. 

At that, she finally released the tears that had been building for days, finally swelling over and melding with the torrent of rain. Her body seized up with panic, breaths coming in shallow and fast at the realization of how much she had  _ lost.  _ She had barely known what she wanted _ ,  _ but she knew she wanted the truth, the home and unnamed feeling she always saw him offering in his eyes - even if it had sometimes come with a cost she wasn't prepared to pay.

She curled to her side against the wet grass, staring into the trees with her lightsaber clutched to her chest. She wondered what happened to his as there had been no time to ask.

He had told she wasn’t alone. And for a brief time, she hadn't been.

But there in the forest, she knew she would never get that time back - when she belonged to someone and they belonged to her.

* * *

They had been in flight for hours when Rey finally snuck back to her bunk to sleep before they arrived at Coruscant, the soft hum of the engines her only lullaby. There was no way she would actually be able to sleep, of course - the dark circles around her eyes said as much lately - but she had to keep up appearances. Chewie had questioned her more than once about her odd hours.

She sank into the wide bed built into the wall of the Captain’s Cabin, eyes closed as she struggled with the urge to dig into her bag beside it, but she lost the fight almost immediately. All of her strength seemed to have abandoned her lately, a mess of emotions and weak muscles left in its wake.

Her hand slid into the satchel and pulled out the lightsaber; Rey held it between her hands and closed her eyes. Forcing her breathing to slow, she reached out - for  _ him -  _ as she had so many other nights.

He had to be there, somewhere on the other edge of consciousness - of the universe, even. He had always come to her when she called, even in her anger - even when all she wanted to do was fight him.

Her throat swelled with emotion as all their fights came hammering back to her. All she felt was her anger and his frustration in those moments, but she didn't feel  _ him.  _ He was no longer there just on the other side of the string that tied them together, he was beyond her reach and a silly lightsaber like this one wouldn't change it. It hadn't even really been his, why would it connect them now?

Luke had come back - briefly - she had read accounts of others. Where was  _ Ben _ ? Rey choked as the one fear she had bubbled up, the fear that maybe he didn't  _ want  _ to come back. To see her, however briefly. Maybe giving his life for hers was just a way of making them even after everything.

But the way he looked at her - smiled; she shook her head. Impossible. That was real. That was Ben Solo, finally.

She let the lightsaber fall from her fingers onto the floor, laying on the bed and not bothering to pick it up.

She missed the warmth he had always surrounded her with when they had been too tired to fight or argue. He could keep her warm with just the way his eyes watched her from where he would sit across from her.

She just wanted one more - no, she wanted a  _ lifetime  _ of kisses. But no matter how much she ached for him, begged the Force to bring him to her, he didn't come. He was lost to her in more ways than one.

* * *

Rey stood in the chambers of what once was part of the Republic's Senate, staring at the carved stone walls, empty chairs, and the wall of windows overlooking the city. It had been just as overwhelming as she had feared, but for now they were in a small group with Finn standing beside her, listening to Poe as he spoke with the leaders of several of the most influential planets. Convincing them that the plan to reunify the galaxy under the old Republic was solid and in their best interests.

She shifted her weight as Poe spoke her name and the word  _ Jedi  _ in the same breath; she hadn't wanted to come, didn't want that title - but Finn had convinced her it was the easiest way to earn clout with them. The promise of a new Order, he had said eagerly as she had winced.

_ Join me and we can bring a new order to the galaxy. _

Rey shuddered at the memory and the longing that had been in those words on the Supremacy, tattered red cloth falling around them. She took a step back, hiding even further behind Finn as the various Kings, Queens, Chancellors, Emperors, and Empresses argued for the best positions in the new Republic. They really should have brought someone other than Poe.

Kylo had promised her things, too, for the new Order the galaxy evidently needed. She had seen the passion in Kylo’s eyes as he spoke of building something new, something just their own. Rey shuddered and she could admit to herself now that she wished that passion was for her in that moment, but she understood better now what he had meant when he offered to rule with her - he had wanted to do  _ this  _ with her.

He should have been standing by her side arguing against the resurrection of the Jedi and not being silent, meek, powerless. What would he have done differently than Poe and the Resistance, had he remained in power?

The First Order had continued their subjugation of planets after Crait, but this time with no bloodshed - all planets surrendered, recognizing the futility of it all. He spoke to her of it often enough when she let him, trying to get her to admit her mistake.

But he wasn’t here to fight with her or establish something on his own and so Poe needed his token Jedi to help bolster their plan. The promise of peacekeepers and bodyguards across the galaxy and the Republic would be alluring for those who had grown up on stories of the Republic’s greatest warriors.

Rey wanted no part of it, but had agreed to keep silent during negotiations; she watched the various delegates shift, various species and humanoid sitting around the large oval table arguing about something she didn’t understand - delegates, votes. 

The Jedi would never be what they once were, not if she could help it; they had left her to die in the end, once Palpatine was gone their job was done. The husk of the young woman they had used for that purpose lay broken and dead on the ground.

The only reason she stood here with her friends was because of Ben, not  _ them _ . She would take the teachings of the Prime Jedi, but would never align herself with the Jedi’s code. Rey quirked her mouth at the thought of how proud Ben would be of her,  _ let old things die.  _ He had been right.

And so it was all she could do to even stand there with Finn and Poe and so she kept quiet, trying to keep the tide of emotions at bay until she could return to her home.

Would he have wanted to stay on the Falcon with her? A place full of memories like that?

She knew she would never get the answer she wanted and touched the saber that was clipped to her belt, tethering herself to something solid.

"Rey?" Finn waved a hand in front of her and she took a step back, surprised, but gave him a weak smile anyway.

"Sorry! What'd I miss?"

"Everything, probably," he quipped. "We're going back to the apartments, more to talk about - the leaders have some conditions."

Of course they did. Rey shook her head, "I think I'm doing for the night, I'll go back to the Falcon."

"Aren’t you done with it?" She recognized the curiosity-edging-on-suspicion there and couldn’t blame him, was almost happy someone had finally noticed her hiding away.

"I don't think the Falcon is something that is ever really fixed," it came out more serious than she had intended, but she wasn't wrong. It was a constant work in progress just like its previous owner, but something about that worked for Rey. She would never not have anything to do.

To his credit Finn just smiled and said goodbye, leaving her alone with R2-D2. She was unfamiliar with the droid, but since Leia's passing it had been around her more often, often helping with the Falcon. She wondered who even watched over it anymore and frowned.

As she stared at Artoo, deep in thought, it whirred to life and pulled up before her. Rey took a step back, jumpier than she had ever been before.

It said nothing for minutes, seemingly watching her as she gathered herself to face the city; as Rey turned towards the door to leave, Artoo called her attention and a small compartment opened along its side, a packet was dropping to the floor at her feet.

"What-" she bent down, surprised as she realized it was a tightly folded piece of parchment. It reminded her of the books she had taken from Ahch-To, but less faded - newer, she thought.

"Where did you get this?" She demanded of the droid, who simply sped out of the room without a response. Rey sighed and untied the string that held it tight.

As she unfurled it she caught sight of a few things: her name and the most beautiful handwriting she had ever seen. Even in the books there had never been anything so fine. What  _ was _ this?

Then she began to read the words and with each one she took a step back until she was pressed against the glass overlooking the city. Her heart pounding, fingers shaking as she slid down the wall, eyes unable to look anywhere but the words on the paper in front of her.

> _ Rey, _
> 
> _ If you’re reading this then I have finally succumbed to my fate. Perhaps you are relieved to finally be free of this bond you hate so much. Even now, I feel your resentment thrum through my body. _
> 
> _ You rejected my offers - both as a teacher and partner - and so consider these letters my last effort at either. Yes, letters. There will be more of these as you progress. _
> 
> _ Please consider them the last request of a dying man. _
> 
> _ First, I’d like you to visit the fallen Jedi template in Coruscant. Investigate. Do what you do, scavenger. _
> 
> _ Kylo _
> 
> _ P.S. There is a smuggler's hatch in the Falcon, too small to ever be of any use to Han - it's in the smallest bunk room. You'll find it. _

It took her hours to finish the letter, reading certain phrases over and over again.

_ succumbed to my fate _

_ last request of a dying man _

_ scavenger _

There was no way this was real and it was in fact a cruel joke by someone who wanted to toy with her emotions.

But that wasn’t possible, no one knew about her ties with Kylo Ren as she had never told Finn or Rose or Poe about anything. Not Snoke, not Palpatine, not the bond. Certainly nothing about Ben Solo’s end - that secret was hers and eventually she had shoved everything about him into a small little box in her mind labeled  _ Ben Solo,  _ locking away the key on the other side of the galaxy.

Ben had clearly written this. When she couldn't know - but it had been long before Exego. He had never hinted at knowing he would die, but he had always been persistent in his offers - despite being so devastatingly angry and sad when the bond would throw them together. Like he couldn't figure  _ her  _ out, her rejection of power.

It was only at that moment on the ruins of the fallen Death Star that he finally understood - she wanted  _ Ben’s  _ hand, not the Supreme Leader’s. She had wanted him, not his power or the knowledge he brought with him. No, this letter had been written far earlier than that particular revelation.

She rubbed her eyes, wiping away the tears on her cheek. Why hadn't he just  _ said  _ something? 

But she knew why. She never allowed any more opportunity for him; every time they connected she got defensive - or aggressive. It was hard to listen when your heart had been broken so thoroughly and so she shoved at him every chance she got, making it impossible to talk with each other.

But now -

_ there is a smuggler's hatch in the Falcon _

Rey rolled up the letter and sprinted out of the chamber room, not stopping until she reached the lift that would take her to the Falcon. She completely ignored his first request to visit the temple ruins, at least for now.

Had he hidden something else for her?

How had the letter even reached Artoo? Where was that damn droid when she needed it.

Her throat swelled with gasps of air, her body on the edge of panic and exhaustion. He had known he was going to die. He had thought she was the one to kill him. He had known all of that and never said  _ anything  _ to stop it .

Anger began to swell and swallow the pain as she stomped up the ramp to the ship. If he had said  _ anything  _ about it then maybe she wouldn't be here alone right now. They could have figured something out. Why hadn't he told her?

She smashed the button to open the door to the smallest room with a bed, now used mostly for storage. It had never occurred to her that perhaps this had been Ben's room when he had gone on trips with his father. She sat on the bed and closed her eyes, reaching out in the Force to feel for the hidden hatch he had promised.

But she didn't need that particular sense, instead seeing the small indentation beneath the table along the wall. It looked the same as any other crack, but Rey knew a hidey hole when she saw one. She had made many in her AT-AT on Jakku.

A pang in her heart struck as she realized that Ben must have done the same, made something - but what would he have to hide?

She lay on her stomach, fingers gripping the small edges and pried it out, revealing a small bundle and a journal. He certainly hadn't changed that much if he still preferred paper she thought as she gripped the letter tighter.

Sitting up she untied the bundle, revealing a handful of figurines that brought a small smile to her face. Little figures of pilots, smugglers all dressed up in uniforms. They reminded her of the doll she had made on Jakku and with that memory her heart ached. They were truly not so different.

_ do what you do, scavenger _

Unable to stop the new tears that began to well, she picked up one of the Rebel pilot figures and her vision lurched, eyes closing shut as she saw the scene in her mind.

_ A young boy sat in the corner of the room, mumbling something that she eventually recognized as a story. The story of a great battle that the pilot and smuggler had been caught on. _

_ "We can't go back, it's not safe!" His voice was high with the faked urgency and Rey's heart melted as he lifted a model ship that looked surprisingly like the Falcon. _

_ "Don't tell me the odds!" He grumbled in an imitation of his father's gruff demeanor. Ben had that voice, she mused; different, all his own, but still - similar. _

_ The door hissed open and she watched as the young Ben Solo threw the items behind the bed and Rey frowned. _

_ "There you are, kid. Shouldn't be hiding in here, what are you doing?" _

_ She sensed fear rolling off of Ben - saw it in his face, even though he was still a boy she could read him so well. Something about the figures and his father scared him. Han looked down at the journal splayed open. _

_ "Still writing, huh? Bit foolish if you ask me," he shrugged dismissively, but didn't seem to care that his son did it. But something felt off. Rey focused on the boy's mind as he sat there silent, not sure what to say in response to his father. _

_ And then -  _ there.  _ Rey heard it. _

Foolish. He would take them from you, he wants nothing to do with you. Only I see you, Ben. I understand what you truly need.

_ And then she felt a push- _

_ And Rey was flown back, hitting the wall and sliding onto the bed, eyes locked onto Ben's. Because she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt - he  _ saw  _ her. Was watching her in this vision - past? Whatever this was. _

And then she was back on the Falcon, alone with a sore back. That wasn't a normal Forceback.

What had started as a normal scene of a young boy and his idolization of his father had turned into something else - she knew that voice. Snoke. What had he been doing there? Ben was barely seven, maybe eight. She didn't know much, but she knew he had been an adult when he first went to Snoke.

Rey's hands twisted around the letter and picked up the journal, tucking it into the cloth with the figurines.

What was he trying to tell her?

_ consider these letters my last effort at either _

Her fingers found the edges of his small journal and she pulled it onto her lap hesitantly. He had kept this as a boy, hidden for decades. She wouldn't find anything more here, not about the Ben she had known.

But maybe that was the point.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE let me know if you enjoyed this, whether in comments or on twitter or tumblr (@reylosource) https://twitter.com/reylosource


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